Gathering thoughts

Having your mind blown and then numbed is the most discerning thing that can happen to a thinker like me. It takes a few days for your brain to get it’s kick start.

On Friday last week I became acquainted with a fellow “reader”, now I’ve said before that Liam reads people but he does is consciously where as I do it sub-consciously the only real difference being that I do it automatically, anyway this.. lets call her Samantha reads people (as far as I could tell) like I do, through a conversation and at the end of it you just know certain things about this person.

I had been searching for someone like this for ages so long in fact that I had to resign myself to convince myself that I’m wrong about reading people to stop myself going insane with boredom. Now I had met Samantha at an event that was really exactly the same before this time; it didn’t phase me that I couldn’t read her I had met people before that I couldn’t I wasn’t too bothered. Anyway as with trends and how my sub-conscious works I naturally was more open to a relationship(not romantic you fucking idiots besides a fellow male had already called dibs) with her we got on well enough I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was paying just that too much attention to me. I found out later that she found me attractive, moving on.

She is basically a female me. This is what essentially blew my mind. As soon as I discovered this relation we went to talk, mostly her talking and me relating. Many things that matter the same: Never really trust anyone, friendless youth, how we read people. Now here is where we differ  she MUST be able to read everyone around her it’s her nature I guess(RM). I used to be like that but I met people that I could not read and grew used to it. I’m thinking she has not been presented with this situation too often. She tried reading my best friend who I myself cannot read (have tried in the past) and failed miserably I’m almost happy to report. Her read of me however was slightly more interesting she thought it the postulate of our conversation that it would “end with a kiss”, my reply to this was “I’m more interested in the conversation” believe it or not this is true, I was much more interested in the person I was presented with and learning about them rather than the body and what Samantha had to offer. She was intent upon proving her point as well this is where the tests began which is where I knew if we did get together it would never work. I’ll explain that in a minute. Her tests where simple get me more interested in her rather than the conversation, this included licking my ear, pushing my hair up at the back (which is what almost broke me to be honest if there’s one thing I like it’s when women do that) and penultimately making a prediction that I’d kiss her before she got to a specified lamp-post as she was walking away. Needless to say all these tests failed nothing happened and I left her with the after-thought that she can’t read me and a peck on the cheek (a test of my own). Her final test was actually leaving which yet again failed.

Now my best friend urged me to try it with her it was a chance I was not going to get again that much was certain she’s certainly attractive and the particular person who had called dibs certainly would not mind he had got his fill. Matt knows I had been searching and he saw the relation immediately in fact he instigated the whole thing with an exclamation that I read people when Samantha told him she did. However it really was that one moment where I knew it would not work. It would be a constant feud to read each other, it would be mentally exhausting and judging by her “tests” physically exhausting as well. While the brain between my legs roars at me to take that chance that I have missed now, I know that it would never work out. The above being the main reason but also another; she said it herself “you never really trust anyone” last time I checked anyone includes me. Trust is the basis of any relationship and the fact that she is set on being able to read everyone destroys whatever chance there is of her trusting me and therefore reading me. Her trust is based on what she reads and those she cannot read don’t gain her trust (RM) therefore I am not trusted. Another reason the fact of it being mentally exhausting I don’t need that she doesn’t that no one wins no matter how interesting it would be.  It would be based on deception, the idea that we want to read the other first we would be led to leaving false trails and catching the other out with stab in the dark questions that would hopefully lead to a correct reading of the other deception would hardly help.

I could go on with this so here’s a list:

Pro’s:
“Physically exhausting”
Interesting to the maximum (curiosity assuaged forever)

Con’s:
Mentally exhausting
Based on deception
Feud of reading the other
Lack of trust
Breaking an honour code
Breaking a Bro code
Breaking my rule
Already missed the opportune moment

Now in my introduction I spoke about my mind being numbed. Well after Samantha sent me into a tirade of thought asking myself why, developing why I did this and incessantly thinking why and getting generally irate with everyone at the party (she brought up same pole magnets repelling each other metaphor remember just now Samantha brought this up when Matt was trying to convince me to get with her while she was standing right there a different tack to getting a read on me). Anyway the brain-numbing event: meeting Taylor I tried brushing her off to start with, but she persisted and I guess that disarmed me. I was used to people leaving me alone when I did.. whatever it is I do to get rid of people. Anyway an inane conversation ensued with me thinking incessantly all the way through and letting her into the thought-process she led me astray which I resented. She then answered my question “Why did you stop me?” with “Curiosity”. Answered all the questions and set my brain in a spin. Curiosity! For fuck sake I had this hypothesis before now yet I ignored, it everyone does everything because of curiosity. Let your brain decipher that one it’s not hard.

With that she stopped me thinking completely (this is the brain-numb). It was amazing, I’ve complained before now: I can’t stop myself reading people that’s the curse and all like that Taylor who I had met before admired for being attractive and then dismissed had just done what eluded me for 10 years. Stopped me reading people she had effectively numbed my sub-conscious and sent my conscious into inane thoughts. It might sound bad but it felt like floating in bubbles. Bliss, liberating, I knew I HAD to think about Samantha but the thought was in a bubble, waiting for me I wasn’t afraid of losing my place because I could feel it I just wasn’t thinking about it. Eventually I got my conscious back but only after walking Phoebe home and her instigating a conversation it’s like she had my brain on a leash and I liked it. 

I spent the night at hers and I had to read her mother wasn’t too hard, prepared sub-consciously for me as she had heard about me reading people (Phoebe braking trust after I did the same by accident (turned advantageous so not a problem)), as soon as I said that I couldn’t read her everything was obvious, open and nice but never trusting to those she doesn’t really know in her house, Why? Something to hide (not too big a thing to say everyone has something to hide) but what is that… I didn’t get that I only had my conscious on it is probably why. Played the gentleman as I normally would ended up getting an hour and half’s sleep due to conversation and Taylor (in my view mistakenly) putting on the Inbetweeners. I still couldn’t think when she was asleep and I wasn’t! It’s her presence and it’s fucking good for me.

Problems: Cycled when Taylor cancelled our get-together why is easy but it hit really hard. Failure with her means regress into cyclomythia again (fuck)
Need to talk to Phoebe how serious was THAT and how prepared for an end do I have to be?

In summary that’s another reason not to go for Samantha: Taylor. She’s good for me: provides what I never could in ten years since I first wanted to stop reading people and 2 years since I needed to stop.  I am however breaking one of my other rules: I’m now sitting tentatively by my phone waiting for a reply, last time I did that I ended up with a broken heart and two years of depression not helped by losing three relatives in as many months and two of those within a week. That reminds me… tomorrow is a year since the death of my grandfather.

RM= Read material so I’m probably wrong on this

3 days ago  /  0 notes

That moment of insecurity…

There’s always that moment of insecurity when she cancels on you no matter what the reason, no matter how plausible it is, that you think that she’s just getting rid of you for another day.

6 days ago  /  0 notes

Well here I am again. Cyclomythia has been leaving me alone recently and I haven’t really felt the need to bitch about anyone that I haven’t already. 

So good news bear I am today ^_^

So I’m going to talk about one Pheobe. I’ve sort of known her for a long time but we first really met about 7 months ago. From there we had a sort of had a shared Birthday party at my place. Anyway we really got talking after an event she organised and invited me to about two weeks ago. From then I’ve spoken to no one more. Might sound petty but over 8000 facebook messages in two weeks means a lot.

So anyway, I’ve opened a few doors for her let her in where usually I would let others  I trust until about 20 minutes ago I gave her permission to look at my Tumblr. Which I have given no one else. Feel privileged! Time will tell if you deserve it.

Now, this Pheobe, trust issues to the maximum: before we really got talking she would be very suspicious of any question I asked her. OK I get I’m a questioning person and apparently I’m intimidating when it’s just text. (I agree I do get more out of people when I’m face to face with them) At first I didn’t think anything of it it was only really when I started deliberately manipulating the situation around her that I became concerned (vague if your reading this). She really has problems trusting people now this is where it gets confusing: see when I was playing vague with her and two others she confirmed that there was a big reason for her not trusting people. Now when I try to have a conversation about it she claims I’m wrong. Anyway I’ll be finding out what that is soon enough; it’s not actually that I want to know what the actual reason is I want to know if it’s one big thing or whether it’s lots of small things. Changes whether I read her one way or another. This needs to be addressed really bugging me.

She’s still not as good as Rebecca for problems she’s not as experienced in the world for that but I’ve told her things that I have told noone else. I guess it’s a different trust.

Now the good part: I trust her completely, she’s not adverse to subterfuge as she has just proven to me (actually found this before I told her she could look at it though came clean when she found) but she is definitely trustworthy; Trust issues do that to people. Tried teaching her to read people for which she has a talent but took her own decision not to learn may have annoyed me to start with but gave me more respect for her in the end. I like how I can have an argument with her and as the argument gains more clarity I realise we are arguing the same thing OR I want her to win the argument because I’m leading her through something. 

BUT what impressed me most of all is she REALISED I READ PEOPLE and put me to use!! No one in the past has done that. OK I guess the first thing I did was to demonstrate the extent of how I read people but still it’s pretty impressive. She got onto the idea that I enjoy reading people and manipulated (:L negative connotation but meh unavoidable) that to meet her ends.

PS: got a thing for compliments ;)

1 week ago  /  0 notes

When you have a dream about somebody and the next day you are longing for them.

1 month ago  /  2 notes  /  Source: blaineandersonsfuturewife

You’d think love would be simple by now I mean it’s existed since the dawn of man-kind,

2 months ago  /  0 notes

So I left Tumblr on a bit of a rage there. So I thought I’d bring the mood back up a bit:

There that should work. Philosophical happiness and blind nature happiness. Enjoy.

2 months ago  /  0 notes

To all you fuckers out there who call me your friends

I help you out in your time of need. I haul you back to your feat when you’ve had them kicked out from underneath you and in some cases I drag you into sanity and provide reason where you need it. You thank me, your disposition toward me improves and that’s where it stops. I’m not your fucking agony aunt, I’m not only there when your down or crying in a crowd I live and I’d like a fucking life. Treat me like you would any other friend just remember that I’m the one who helped you instead of kick you when you were down like everyone else. And just remember that you told me things that you would rather were kept in the dark. I could fuck any of you over in an instant and people would believe me. Why? cos I’ve got them by the nuts as well.

2 months ago  /  0 notes

First flame

You can never dispell that love of your first ever flame. Well she just talked to me randomly I’m guessing something sparked it and I immediately got that feeling in the pit of my stomach it was like being sick but nice.. I don’t know how to explain it. I found myself hoping?

Well I had some sense left in me I went and spoke to Rebecca, she set me right. I just can’t shake it and I’ve still got that memento from her. I really should throw that away that bloody sticker!

Anyway, it just seemed to be a random conversation, there was nothing in it and very awkward catch up.. Don’t know if it was awkward for her. I’ll probably end up doing something stupid now that she’s spoken to me. :L

Other than that long time Tumblr missed your anonimity the one I confide in things that I do not to others. Thanks for being here.

3 months ago  /  0 notes